Chapter 0143
This is a conversation we have had so many times before. One of the reasons Eden and I get along so well, is she and Caleb were the ones there for me when I lost Isla, and they saw the effect it had upon me. They saw how damaged I was becoming, yet they never gave up on me.
What if I am breaking Eden? I whispered, and I felt her raising her gaze to look up at me.
In what way, Ash?
I feel like I’m falling apart. Like things that I should know, or I feel like I do know, are all in doubt because it feels like my own mind is in doubt. Like I can’t trust my own thoughts. I can’t trust my own logic. Like I can’t trust my own mind. My mind is a mess, Eden. Things are slipping out of my control. I don’t like it. I told her, trying to put into words how I was feeling, and I saw the fear upon her face.
Your anger? she questioned, but I shook my head. Strangely, this time it wasn’t my anger. That was still there simmering, of course. I doubted if that would ever go away. But my mind was overtaken with doubt of late. A doubt that I was struggling to trust my own judgment. It was making me question every little thought I had. Every decision I made. Whereas previously I was so sure of myself, now, I doubted each thought…
My thoughts. My commitment. Loyalty. Devotion. I found myself admitting, in spite of the shame it brought me to say it.
“That makes no sense, Ash. Who to? Eden is stroking my hand softly. You mean to Isla? she questioned quietly.
I raised my eyes to meet her beautiful blue eyes. One thing that I know Caleb cannot resist about his mate. So unusual and rare, and truly beautiful, and something their children had inherited. I slowly nodded, tears filling my eyes.
Oh Asher! She reached up and stroked away a tear that had slipped down my cheek. Your loyalty, devotion and commitment to Isla had never been in question, sweetheart, and it never will be. You have mourned for your mate for seven years. You searched for the rogue that killed her for a year after… her voice faltered as she looked up at me.
I looked down, not wanting to think about that. Those hadn’t been my greatest moments. I wasn’t at my best, of that there was no denying. It was no wonder my pack feared me at times…
But, why do you think it is in
question? Has someone been on your mind? she probed gently, no judgment in her tone, though I feel she likely knew the truth. She had seen herself how I had been around Bailey while she was the hospital.
Eden, please, I do not want anyone to know about this. I told her urgently, desperate that this is not shared. Gossip had of spreading around this pack like wildfire… S~ᴇaʀᴄh the (F)indNƟvᴇl.ɴet website on Gøøglᴇ to access chapters of novels early and in the highest quality.
She smiled, the familiar kind smile of the woman who had become as much like family to me as her mate had. I won’t say a word.
Not even to Caleb. I warned her. I am struggling with this enough Eden. My head is battered. I don’t need others knowing and asking me things I don’t even know the answer to myself.
She nodded again. Okay Ash, I won’t say a word. But, let me tell you this much, Isla would not see this as you betraying her, nor your matebond. Your love for her will always be there, Ash, but she wouldn’t want you being alone forever. You have been alone for seven years, Do you for seven not think that is enough? Seven
years of suffering? Seven years of pain? she softly squeezed my hand. Isla would never want her Boo to be lonely, especially not forever, Ash.
I sat looking ahead listening to the words Eden was telling me and, as much as I couldn’t help but wonder if she may be right, it hurts to think like that. Hurts to think of moving on. Leaving my mate behind…
But I nodded to acknowledge her words. Smiling sadly across at her.
Though I do have to say, Ash, if you are thinking there is something there, or there could be, do you not think you should be a little better with her? A little kinder? Or else you might scare her away. Eden says with a playful wink, telling me she is teasing, but her words seem to heavily echo those of Zion, and that scares me a little…
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