Fuck. What the hell was I doing? Why was I allowing him to hold me like this?
I aggressively pushed him away. He wasn’t prepared for my actions, so he stumbles a little bit, but releases me. I pull away, breathing hard, trying to clear my head from the spell that had been cast on me. Sadie?
I raise my finger, indicating to him to give me a minute. When I calm down, I pull myself together before facing him. Don’t ever touch me like that ever again, Alec. You are my mate, Sadie? How can I not touch you? he asked, advancing on me while I took steps back.
Touch me? Remember how you were disgusted by my touch when you realized we slept together? And mate? You had a mate, Alec… Or have you forgotten that you told me Lola was the love of your life, and you wouldn’t touch me with a pole even if she wasn’t in the picture?
I believed she was my mate. What the hell was I supposed to do? I believed I betrayed her with you. How would you feel if you woke up and learned you slept with someone else? Someone who wasn’t your mate, and in doing so, you hurt the one you were in love with? I do get it. If things were different and Alec and I got together. It would have shattered me to realize he had slept with another woman a few days before our mating ceremony. The old me wouldn’t have retaliated in the way he did, but it would have hurt the same. That’s not the point, I told him, taking more steps away from him. The reason you want me now is because of the mate bond and what I can do for your pack. You never wanted me before. Hell, you never gave me the time of day. I am still the same woman I was back then, so it’s a bit pretentious for you to want me now, when you didn’t back then.
He stops in his tracks. So, you’re telling me that what I feel right now isn’t real.
Yes. You don’t get over the love of your life easily, let alone fall for the one woman that you could never stand. The one woman you were never attracted to. Whatever you are feeling is courtesy of the bond. Once you accept the rejection, it’ll fade away, and you won’t have to pretend anymore.
Something moves in his eyes, but I ignore it, refusing to dive into what it is. I don’t want to see the truth in them.
And what about you? he surprises me by asking. Are your feelings towards me also because of the mate bond?
My feelings don’t matter, here.
And why the hell not? he demanded. You are good at telling me what I feel is courtesy of the bond, yet you don’t want me to dive into your feelings?
I sighed, already tired of this conversation. What do you want from me, Alec? I loved you; is that what you want to hear? I did. I loved you, and you shattered me. The love I had for you died in the dungeons three years ago. I feel nothing for you except for what the bond wants me to.
Deep down, I know it’s a total lie, but I won’t admit it. I refuse to. This is for the best. Whatever I felt for Alec is buried deep down in the darkest depths of my soul, and I refuse to revive it.
I see, he breathed in a husky voice.
We stay in silence. Well, that is until the silence is interrupted by a sharp knock on the door.